Writing about personal and emotional issues can be difficult at the best of times, so writing an obituary while you’re grieving is a particular challenge. However, obituaries are necessary to inform those who may not have heard the news and provide reassurance and comfort to those mourning.
To help you through a tough task at a tough time, this guide explains in plain terms how to write an obituary for a family member or loved one. We cover what information needs to go in an obituary, how long it should be, some advice for the writing process, and how to submit it. We also include some obituary samples that you can use as models for yours.
How to write an obituary: What to include
Unlike a eulogy, an obituary must give people essential facts about who died and information about the service or memorial. Obituaries act as public announcements both to notify people of the event and to provide details in case the reader wants to pay their respects.
On top of the essential information, obituaries usually also celebrate a person by noting highlights of their life, estimating their legacy, and reporting some personal anecdotes that illustrate the deceased’s best qualities. Tradition also suggests including the names of close family members, both current (the deceased is survived by … ) and previous (was preceded in death by … ).
Here’s a list of some essential information a good obituary includes:
- Full name
- Date of birth
- Date of death
- Age at the time of death
- Service information: date, time, and location of funeral or memorial services, with visitation details
- Flower or donation information
- Names of close family members, both living and dead
- Brief biography: place of birth, career highlights, weddings, hobbies, and significant life achievements
Length of a good obituary for a newspaper
Different publications will have different word limits for their obituaries, so you should always check with where you want to publish first (see section on submitting obituaries below). That said, in general, an obituary should be around 200–300 words.
In practice, obituaries are only a few paragraphs. They should only contain the necessary information; you can expand on the details and share more in-depth stories at the service and memorials, or in the eulogy.
How to write an obituary for a family member or loved one
1 Gather the facts
Before you begin the emotional components of the obituary, it’s best to start with the facts. For one, it’s easier to compile facts than write something personal. For another, you want to make sure you include all the need-to-know information without forgetting anything.
Use the list above as a checklist until you’ve collected all the necessary information. You don’t have to worry about the order of these details just yet; these first couple of steps are about figuring out what you want to say before you figure out how to say it.
2 Consider what made them special
Everyone is unique, and their influence on others is unique. Obituaries try to capture what made that person special and honor it, but that can be difficult to put into words.
If you were close to the deceased, ask yourself a few questions. What aspects of them did you love and respect most? What was their impact on your life? What will you miss?
Think about what this person valued. What did they spend most of their time doing? What were they known for, among their friends and family?
Obituaries are meant to be short, so you can’t elaborate on much. Try to stick to the big picture and list only what they were best known for. Ask friends and family members to see if others felt the same way, or if they valued traits that you weren’t aware of.
Amani was often seen tending to her flowerbed, a five-time winner of the local Garden Club annual competition. When asked what her secret to gardening was, she’d respond cheekily that her secret ingredients were “sun and water.”
3 Write the obituary as a brief life story
Once you’ve collected all the usable information, it’s time to start writing. There are no specific structure requirements for an obituary, but you can use a simple essay structure if that helps guide you. An obituary typically reports the person’s full name at the outset and then shifts to using their first name, or whatever they were known by.
Traditional obituaries begin with the full name of the deceased as well as the time and place of their death. This introductory paragraph can also contain the cause of death and the age of the deceased.
The main body of the obituary succinctly describes the life of the deceased. This section should cover the major life events we listed above: childhood, careers, relationships, hobbies, and other major achievements.
Anecdotes from friends and family can add some personality to the obituary and help keep the memory of the person alive. But remember to keep it brief—save the detailed stories for the services.
The concluding section often begins by listing the closest family members and then ends by sharing the information for the service or memorial, as well as suggestions for donations.
4 Revise and proofread
Once you’ve finished a first draft, you can revise it and improve it. For starters, proofreading is essential for an obituary because it will be viewed publicly. Make sure you use the correct spellings for names, places, companies, etc., and double-check that your dates are accurate.
Additionally, you should think about the tone. Because people perceive death in more than one way, the tone of an obituary can vary depending on who you’re speaking for and who you’re speaking to. Some families prefer the solemnity of a formal funeral announcement, while others prefer to celebrate life more casually. Consider who will be reading the obituary before committing to a tone.
It’s always recommended to show the obituary to others before publishing it. They may have insights you missed or spot mistakes you didn’t notice.
Common mistakes with obituary writing
Overlooking details
Obituaries are announcements first and foremost, so they must include important information. While many people appreciate a sentimental and heartwarming obituary, you still need to provide all the essential details, like the date of death and information about the services or memorials.
Missing family members or key events
Even if you were close to the deceased, parts of their life may still be unfamiliar to you. Failing to mention what others consider an important aspect might leave the obituary feeling incomplete or biased. Ask friends and family or have them double-check a draft of the obituary.
Writing that’s too formal or too casual
Obituaries are emotional, so striking the right tone is the key to avoid offending people. You want to use a balance of formality and informality that best honors the deceased and speaks to those reading the obituary. Use the elements of empathy writing to make sure your obituary is respectful to both the deceased and the readers.
Submitting an obituary
At some point in the process of writing an obituary, you will choose where you want it to appear. This matters in part because some places, especially traditional publications such as newspapers, have word limits and/or charge differently for different types of obituaries. And don’t forget you can publish the obituary in as many places as you want.
A funeral home—if one is involved—will usually post an obituary on its website as part of its service. However, you will probably also want to use outlets with a broader reach, such as local newspapers and social media.
To submit to a newspaper, you can simply visit the newspaper’s website and follow the instructions for publishing an obituary. Pay attention to fees and any printing restrictions they have. Likewise, online publications can also help you spread the word; check the websites for their rules and processes.
Obituary examples
Traditional obituary example
Bernadetta Holmes Gomez, 76, of Arlington, Virginia, left us peacefully on September 23, surrounded by friends and family. A beloved wife, mother, and grandmother, Bernadetta, or “Bernie,” will always be remembered for her kindness and willingness to help those in trouble, even strangers.
Born on January 7, 1948, in Arlington, Bernie grew up the only daughter of Thomas and Wanda Holmes and sister to three brothers: James, Wilson, and Phillip. When she wasn’t helping around the house or putting hours into her family’s grocery store, Bernie was an active member of the church community for St. Lorenzo, in particular the choir.
A proud teacher, Bernie devoted her career to Middleton High School, where she worked as the resident English teacher and occasionally assisted her colleague Ronald Bowling with the school’s dramatic productions. Bernie believed that every child had potential and sought to help as many young minds as she could.
On May 23, 1970, Bernie married the love of her life, Antonio Gomez. The two shared a passionate romance that lasted nearly 50 years and yielded two children and five grandchildren.
Bernie is survived by her daughter, Emilia Schumacher, and son, Roger Gomez, as well as her grandchildren Madison Schumacher, Kyle Schumacher, James Gomez, and Michaela Gomez. She was preceded in death by her husband, Antonio, and her grandson Anderson Gomez.
A service to celebrate Bernie’s life will be held on September 27 at 11:00 a.m. in St. Lorenzo church. All are welcome. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Middleton Teacher’s Scholarship, a charity close to Bernie’s heart.
Anecdotal obituary example
It is with heavy hearts that we announce the passing of Brett Carlson on September 23, at the age of 57, from sudden cardiac arrest. Brett was a boisterous personality in the community, and his hometown of Lakeview will miss the unmistakable sound of his laughter.
Brett began his life on July 18, 1967, at the UNM Hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico. According to friends, the doctors who delivered him commented on his large smile, predicting the happy-go-lucky mood that would follow him throughout life. Brett spent a quiet but content childhood in Albuquerque with his parents, Eleanor and Leo Carlson, and his sister, Dorothy “Dottie” Carlson.
Brett first moved to Lakeview in 1980 to pursue a career in sales at Bizmotti Tech. There, his charming personality allowed him to thrive and assist the growth of the burgeoning electronics and computer industry. An ex-employer once remarked that Brett was a “model salesman,” able to comfort clients and put people at ease without imposing on anyone. It was then that he met his wife, Emily Goldberg, although the way she tells it, it took her a few years to “warm up to him.”
Perhaps Brett was better known as a familiar face at the downtown Shriners Club, where he often spent his Sundays. He was a particularly formidable opponent during the monthly “Trivia Night” competitions, in which he often came in first or second.
Brett is survived by his wife, Emily, and their son, Chet Carlson, and son-in-law, Shiva Singh. He was preceded in death by his sister, Dorothy Carlson.
A public memorial for Brett will be held at the Shriners Club on September 30 from 1:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. In honor of his generous spirit, the family asks that donations be made to the Shriners Children charity. Although Brett is no longer with us, his legacy of laughter and compassion will live on.
Key takeaways
- Include all the important information for an obituary, like the deceased’s full name, age, time/place of death, and significant life accomplishments.
- Obituaries are meant to be short announcements; while it’s fine to include personal anecdotes and details, save the lengthy stories for the service or memorial.
- Check with other family and friends before publishing. There may be some aspects of the deceased’s life worth mentioning that you’re unfamiliar with.
- Make sure you use the best tone to honor the deceased. Some communities deal with death better using formality, while others prefer something more personable and human.
Obituary FAQs
How long should an obituary be?
Different publications have different length requirements for an obituary, but in general, most obituaries are between 200 and 300 words.
Can you write your own obituary?
Yes, it’s accepted practice to write your own obituary if you want, but it’s not necessary.
What should you not include in an obituary?
Obituaries are usually respectful to the deceased and celebrate their life rather than critique it. Obituaries should not include biases or disagreeable opinions.
